I look around at people I know and see how close everyone is to one another. i wonder why I can't get that close to them. I try. I do. I look and get curious as to why others take other people into their lives and are proud and excited and despite how hard I try or how nice I try to be I still get the same rejection. I often think possibly I am just different. I have thought something was wrong with me but perhaps it is them that causes them not to accept me as I am. Which in fact makes this their problem.
About me...I love family and friends. I love sharing and being a part of things when I really am in fact included not just added. There is a difference. If you include me you want me around, you want me involved and to help or simply you talk to me and care. If you add me I am simply there because you feel obligated or need something. How fair does the second one really seem and would you like it done to you? I say this simply because it is done often and too often at that in life. We do it to so many people and we sometimes don't realize it because we do it so often or so many people do it to the same person. I love kids. I really do. I do get annoyed sometimes when other people allow their children to behave negatively towards other children who are different and say nothing of it or even explain to their children how wrong that action is. Instead it is brushed off, or if they do say or do something it is treated as though it is actually my child's fault. I love my son and he is who he is. Despite what other people think he should be he does his own thing and doesn't care what people say or do and if they like it....He is unique. Simply put he is his own person.
I love my photographs, old and new. I lost a lot of my photographs when I was a kid due to a fire and other stuff. I didn't really have a camera when my son was little and I do overly take pictures now of him. He is special to me as are so many others in my life, that is why I have their pictures in my home, my albums and my facebook. I don't put everyone because simply put everyone does not want to be in my albums that is their choice and I am fully ok with that.
I am not included in these groups to other people like they would be to me. I think I care more about others and about including others in my life then I actually realize most times of how others care or the lack of caring they have for me. I have noticed I am pretty much single and raising a special child. Sometimes it is hard and I would love to be able to have friends to turn to for that.. but it's hard. Everyone has their own problems. I don't expect people to take an interest in my life, my problems or even my heart.. doesn't stop me from wanting it but I don't expect it at all. I guess in a way I am glad people don't. I don't feel a burden on them nor do I owe them a thing. I take care of my son to my best ability and love him with all of myself. I know what it is like to care for someone more than myself and I can't say that I don't often wish I had someone who felt that towards me.
I guess this is not so much about Family.. or friends... but about my lack of something I am hoping to seek out and acquire one day to fulfill me even more than the ones I do have that are close and Real Family. Ok, I ranted about I don't know what, I am sleepy so this may come out and off wrong. Oh well, not really as if anyone reads these for the most part.
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